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Thursday, December 30, 2010

Peacocks and Prednisone


Today I finally discovered one good thing about the steroids I have to take for Wegener's. A couple days ago the temperatures here dropped into the teens. Jetsunma asked the sangha to collect blankets and warm clothing and bring them to homeless people living on the streets of D.C. Everyone leaped into action and a couple of our Dharma warriors handed out the items that night.

We plan on collecting and distributing more so I looked to see if I had anything to offer. Actually, I already knew what was there--several pieces of clothing that didn't fit anymore. A winter coat I love. Clothes I wore for winter hiking, snowshoeing, cross-country skiing and bicycling. Brand new socks that don't accommodate the edema in my legs. Prednisone has caused so much weight gain and numerous other problems that I won't be using any of those clothes, at least not for the foreseeable future.

I hesitated, but finally began pulling them out of the closet. Normally when I give away clothing or other items I feel nothing but joy. I don't usually feel the "pull" of my possessions. But this was truly painful. I've held on to these particular things out of hope. They represent the life I had, the health and freedom and choices I enjoyed. I don't know what-- if any-- is coming back, and even though I'm leaving the door open in my mind it's getting harder and harder to imagine being strong again.

As I sorted the clothes, I began a little ritual I do when donating clothing. I clean them and fold them nicely. I remember the joy they brought me. I picture how they will bring joy and comfort to the next person who wears them. I imagine how, at some point when they are wearing these clothes, they will wonder who they came from. I think of the invisible karmic thread that connects us through a shared garment, and how they could only be wearing "my" clothes if in a past life they had provided clothes for me. Then I bless the clothes. I pray that the wearer will have excellent shelter, food and health--all that they need to be happy. I pray that they will never know suffering again.

While all this was going on today--while I was feeling grief alongside joy and trying not to get lost in either-- it struck me that if it weren't for prednisone I wouldn't have anything to donate. All my clothes would fit. I wouldn't be able to do anything at all about homeless people freezing on the streets of D.C. tonight.

At least for today the prednisone was the source of some joy in the world. In swallowing those pills I became like a peacock-- a symbol of transformation in Tibetan Buddhism. Peacocks eat poisonous creatures like snakes and scorpions and it results in spectacular plumage. They literally transform poison into beauty.

With that in mind, I pray that every bit of this disease and every bit of prednisone I take, results in benefit to all beings.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Tear It Down

Americans have a habit of wanting to tear down structures and replace them. It can be an obsessive habit, really. It’s a frenetic desire to seek happiness from external sources, and if a structure is intact for awhile a kind of restless anxiety builds up. Some change is good of course, but often we want change just for the sake of change—a constant bright, shiny object to distract us from dealing with our own minds.

But before tearing something down, you have to consider what you’re going to replace it with. Would you tear down a hospital to build a strip joint?

There are some on Twitter who spend their days pontificating about how they want to tear down the "structure" known as Kunzang Palyul Choling (KPC), Palyul, all of Vajrayana in fact. They get very excited at the prospect of seeing this in their lifetimes, tweeting about it for days on end. They want destruction and they want it NOW. They need something to think about “out there,” because they lack the courage to think about their own mental poisons. So, they obsessively tweet about destroying the Dharma, Pure Lamas, Pure lineages, stupas, monks and nuns, temples, animal rescues, and anything else that exists in the world to benefit beings.

They want destruction but what do they propose as a replacement? They sure don’t like the idea of Bodhicitta. That word never falls from their lips. So far all they offer is hatred, gossip, slander, threats, divisiveness, harassment and unbelievably foul language,. They offer sticks of dynamite but nothing to fill the crater that would remain in the world if they had their way.

Completely absorbed in their obsession, they exist in an echo chamber of each others’ delusions of grandeur--as if they alone could destroy what Buddhas have created. As if anyone could destroy love and compassion.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Big Dogs and BINGO


Yesterday my Wegener's specialist gave me a mix of good and bad news. The good news is that for the first time in 4 years, the disease is responding well to treatment. The fancy shmancy $10,000-a-dose drug that makes me feel like absolute death for six weeks is doing the trick. Go figure.

Apparently the Wegs dog that lives on this block likes to eat the expensive stuff. Neither cytoxan ($150 per month) nor CellCept ($900 per month) were able to lull the bad-tempered dog to sleep. But Rituxan, with a price tag of $40,000 for a month of treatment, has convinced the dog that a nice long nap is a great idea. (Before you start clicking away at your calculator, Rituxan is only given every 6 to 12 months.)

My doctor surprised me by saying that I don't need to go back on CellCept between Rituxan treatments, and that I don't need to do more Rituxan for a year. He also felt confident that I'd be able to work as a chiropractor again "at some point." Well Howdy Doody, that's good news.

The lousy news was that we lowered the prednisone too much a few weeks ago and it nearly shut down my adrenals. In order to fix it I have to raise the dose all the way back up for a whopping 6 months before trying to taper again. I was within a couple weeks of being off of it.

(For those who have never enjoyed prednisone, here's an analogy of what this news was like: Imagine that you are required to walk 100 miles without stopping. Hour after hour, day after day, you trudge on, stumbling with weakness and pain. Then you finally get within a few feet of the end and someone says, "Nope. Start all over. " And you don't get new shoes.)

All things considered, it's more good news than bad. I can't shout BINGO yet, but it's a pretty decent start.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Spectacular Beauty, Incredible Hate

Well, I never thought I'd see the day where I would say "Arizona sucks." Arizona is the one place on earth I love with all my heart. Northern Arizona in particular is just spectacular--like walking right into a nature calendar with vast pine forests, mountain peaks, aspen trees, meadows, creeks, caves, rock formations, snow, sunshine and a sky that goes on forever. There is no place in northern Arizona that you can stand without seeing incredible views and mind-boggling beauty. I lived there for 11 years and every single day I rejoiced in my great fortune.

The state has been divided politically for some time now. The largest city in the north, Flagstaff, is undeniably Blue. One of my dear friends there calls Flagstaff "a Blue mountain in a Red state." Even during the Bush regime, when his opponents in the southern cities were afraid to put Gore or Kerry stickers on their cars for fear their tires would be slashed by those who supported "God and country," the Blue north kept things in check.

Janet Napolitano was governor for 6 years and left after accepting President Obama's appointment as Secretary of Homeland Security. Gov. Napolitano was popular with Democrats and Republicans and was able to maintain a lid on the rising tide of Republican hate-mongering. Clearly that has changed with Governor Jan Brewer's passage of Arizona Immigration Law SB1070.

Hate is oozing across this country like the Gulf oil spill-- poisoning everything in its way and threatening our union. Jetsunma has taught that those who live virtuous lives based in compassion and the wish to benefit beings must continue to "hold back the darkness." This appeal is not limited to Buddhists. One of my personal heroes--Archbishop Desmond Tutu-- does just that, and wrote an excellent piece for the Huffington Post arguing against the Arizona Immigration Law. (I'm copying it here in case the link expires.)

Arizona: The Wrong Answer
by Desmond Tutu

I am saddened today at the prospect of a young Hispanic immigrant in Arizona going to the grocery store and forgetting to bring her passport and immigration documents with her. I cannot be dispassionate about the fact that the very act of her being in the grocery store will soon be a crime in the state she lives in. Or that, should a policeman hear her accent and form a "reasonable suspicion" that she is an illegal immigrant, she can -- and will -- be taken into custody until someone sorts it out, while her children are at home waiting for their dinner.

Equally disturbing is what will happen in the mind of the policeman. The police talk today about how they do not wish to, and will not, engage in racial profiling. Yet faced with the option of using common sense and compassion, or harassing a person who has done nothing wrong, a particularly sinister aspect of Arizona's new immigration law will be hanging over his head. He can be personally sued, by anyone, for failing to enforce this inhumane new act.

I recognize that Arizona has become a widening entry point for illegal immigration from the South. The wave has brought with it rising violence and drug smuggling.

But a solution that degrades innocent people, or that makes anyone with broken English a suspect, is not a solution. A solution that fails to distinguish between a young child coming over the border in search of his mother and a drug smuggler is not a solution.

I am not speaking from an ivory tower. I lived in the South Africa that has now thankfully faded into history, where a black man or woman could be grabbed off the street and thrown in jail for not having his or her documents on their person.

How far can this go? We lived it -- police waking a man up in the middle of the night and hauling him off to jail for not having his documents on his person while he slept. The fact that they were in his nightstand near the bed was not good enough.

Of course if you suggested such a possibility today to an Arizona policeman he would be adamant that he would never do such a thing. And I would believe him. Arizona is a long way from apartheid South Africa.

The problem is, under the new law, the one or two who would do it are legitimized. All they have to say is that they believed that illegal immigrants were being harbored in the house. They would be protected and sanctioned by this law.

Abominations such as apartheid do not start with an entire population suddenly becoming inhumane. They start here. They start with generalizing unwanted characteristics across an entire segment of a population. They start with trying to solve a problem by asserting superior force over a population. They start with stripping people of rights and dignity - such as the right to be presumed innocent until proven guilty - that you yourself enjoy. Not because it is right, but because you can. And because somehow, you think this is going to solve a problem.

However, when you strip a man or a woman of their basic human rights, you strip them of their dignity in the eyes of their family and their community, and even in their own eyes. An immigrant who is charged with the crime of trespassing for simply being in a community without his papers on him is being told he is committing a crime by simply being. He or she feels degraded and feels they are of less worth than others of a different color skin. These are the seeds of resentment, hostilities and in extreme cases, conflict.

Such "solutions" solve nothing. As already pointed out, even by people on the police force, Arizona's new laws will split the communities, make it less likely that people in the immigrant communities will work with the police. They will create conditions favorable to the very criminals these laws are trying to disarm.

The Latinos in Arizona have not come to Arizona because they want to live in communities wracked with violence and crime. I would guess that the most recent arrivals have fled their border towns and the growing violence there as drug lords tightened their control of the communities. They want to live and raise their children in peace, just as you or I do.

I am certain that, given the chance, the leaders of the Latino immigrant communities in Arizona would enthusiastically work with the state to find constructive solutions to these problems. I am very sure that they would like, as much as others, to rid Arizona of the drug smugglers, human traffickers and other criminal elements infiltrating their communities.

We can only hope that this law will be thrown out of the courts in short order. I do not disagree with the calls to boycott the businesses in the state until it is turned around.

In the meantime, it has opened the door to some smart state leaders sitting down with the leaders of the Latino communities in Arizona and hammering out some solutions that actually work. Hopefully these solutions would recognize the difference between a drug smuggler and a man willing to stand outside a gas station in the hot sun for hours in the hopes that someone will give him some work for the day.

The problem of migrating populations is not going to go away any time soon. If anyone should know this, it should be Americans, many of whom landed here themselves to escape persecution, famine or conflict. With the eyes of the world now on them, Arizona has the opportunity to create a new model for dealing with the pitfalls, and help the nation as a whole find its way through the problems of illegal immigration. But to work, it must be a model that is based on a deep respect for the essential human rights Americans themselves have grown up enjoying.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Cancelation Notice

("Why--Part 2" is still in the works.)

Today I canceled my private health insurance. I've held onto it since I stopped working in 2006, always expecting/hoping to be back to work within a few months. I'm glad I had it for the first 2.5 yrs, since I didn't qualify for Medicare until then and wouldn't have had any way to pay for my care. I have lived in constant fear of losing this policy, even though I've had Medicare for 1.5 yrs. (As soon as I go back to work I'll lose Medicare, and with our current disaster of a system, I'd be completely unable to get insurance at any price.)

When I bought the policy 6 yrs ago, the premiums were $143/month with a $2,500 annual deductible. It's gone up every year-- usually around 25% a year. I just got notice that it increased again to $725/mo with an annual deductible of $2,950. This represents a 400% in 6 yrs.

If I were still working as a chiropractor and raised my rates 400%, I'd be charging $1,000/hour. I could treat Oprah.

My insurance company (United Healthcare) was one of the top 3 companies reporting enormous profits in 2009. They gave their CEOs enormous bonuses, paid for by sick people living so far below the poverty line they can't even see it.

For the past year, my insurance has cost 84% of my Social Security Disability income--my only income. The stress of living like this has been crushing, to say the least. This weekend I conceded that there's no way I could afford such a monthly expense even if I were able to work.

I have Medicare and a Medicare assistance program called Qualified Medicare Beneficiary (QMB). (QMB is for low income people.) Between the two, I have 100% coverage and premiums, etc... are paid for.

It was terrifying to make the call to cancel it. But now I feel like a huge burden has been lifted. I can finally relax a little and focus on getting well. I have no doubt this stress has allowed the Wegs to dig its flinty heels into my body more easily.

Well Wegs, be warned: I get more Rituxan starting Wednesday. I might just call and cancel you, too.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Why-- Part 1

Q : Why?

A : Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma

Monday, January 18, 2010

For Dr. King, With Love


Today we honor the life of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. If you're on Twitter, you've seen the outpouring of loving-kindness towards one another along with a feast of Dr. King quotes being circulated. It's quite beautiful. People from all over the world honor this man.

I've loved Dr. King since I was a child. I naturally gravitated to his message of hope and of peace obtained through non-violent means. I grew up in a military family, with the fallout of the Vietnam War evident all around me. I saw how war divides nations and makes enemies of friends. I saw how war leads to repeated conflict and inevitably, to more war. I saw how families lose loved ones to war and how that loss does not only take place through death. Even at a young age I understood the insanity of war and the reasonableness of peace.

Because of Dr. King, I grew up with deep faith in such things as peace and civil rights. I heard and read his speeches throughout my youth. Today I learned that Dr. King nominated the Vietnamese Buddhist monk and teacher Thich Nhat Hanh for the Nobel Peace Prize way back in 1967. What a testament to his belief in upholding compassion and non-violence no matter who or what the source.

As I write this, I'm moved to tears by the ceaseless waves of love that continue to wash over the people in all nations as a result of this one man. I pray for Dr. King's auspicious rebirth. May he return again and again to benefit beings.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Perspective

While I'm working on my next post, please enjoy this wonderful piece by Carl Sagan.

Friday, January 1, 2010

First Words

Wow, I am one stubborn nun. Our temple has a long-standing New Year's Eve tradition, but for one reason or another I've never been able to make it. Last year I was absolutely sure I'd get there, but I wound up in the hospital and got released late New Year's Eve. This year, there was a winter storm alert for New Year's Eve-- icy, windy, freezing rain. A great night to stay out late and drive down rural roads with deer leaping out, right?

Right! I may be in rough shape physically, but I can sure find the strength to dig my heels in when I want something. And it totally worked.

At ten o'clock the sangha gathered to do the Guru Rinpoche practice called "Shower of Blessings." It's a beautiful practice and accumulates great merit that is then offered to all beings. 2009 was a tough year for me. One of the toughest I've had, actually. Spending the last couple hours of it chanting the pure syllables of the 7-Line Prayer was enough to bring tears of joy to my eyes. It was delicious. Surrounded by our beautiful sangha, the precious altars and thangkas, all the blessings the walls of the temple have seen, I inwardly expressed deep gratitude to Jetsunma for making it all possible.

When we finished the practice, we spent awhile meditating and contemplating aspirational prayers for the new year. We meditated in silence until midnight. Then the first words we spoke were our Refuge and Bodhisattva Vows.

Refuge Vow
I take Refuge in the Lama.
I take Refuge in the Buddha.
I take Refuge in the Dharma.
I take Reguge in the Sangha.
(3x)

Bodhisattva Vow
I dedicate myself to the liberation and salvation of all sentient beings. I offer my body, speech and mind in order to accomplish the purpose of all sentient beings. I will return in whatever form necessary, under extraordinary circumstances, to end suffering. Let me be born in time unpredictable, in places unknown, until all sentient beings are liberated from the cycle of death and rebirth.

Taking no thought for my comfort or safety, precious Lama (Buddha), make of me a pure and perfect instrument by which the end of suffering and death in all forms might be realized. Let me achieve perfect enlightenment for the sake of all beings. And then, by my hand and heart alone, may all beings achieve full enlightenment and perfect liberation.
~ Jetsunma Ahkon Lhamo

We lit candles and offered them on the altars while making silent aspirational prayers. I offered mine at the "Twenty One Taras" altar. Tara is the mother of all Buddhas. She is active and powerful. She hears the cries of all beings and responds instantly when called on. Jetsunma was recognized as the emanation of White Tara, so praying to Tara has a special significance for her students.


Everywhere in the world there is suffering. I prayed for Tara to bring swift comfort to those who need it-- for miraculous cure of all disease, for an end to hunger, poverty and conflicts great and small. I have confidence that Tara heard my prayers and that there is less suffering in the world today as a result.

It was the best New Year's Eve I ever had. I pray that yours was, as well.