Sweet Not Always (Truly)

The other day, a bunch of us were eating lunch at the temple following our morning practice. Ani Pema-- one of our nuns who also happens to be a veterinarian-- was updating us on how her studies are going. She's in Acupuncture school. We offered all the standard jokes about how she'd better start sharpening up her needles, etc.... She laughed and began to describe a particular acupuncture technique where no needles are used.

That got everyone's attention.

Apparently, acupuncturists can assess one's dominant constitution by smelling the patient. You read that right. They SMELL you. In the technique she described, they can treat a patient according to that sniffed-out constitution just by talking with them. Of course, our conversation never even explored the treatment part of it, because we were all caught up in the "Smelling the Patient" part.

Now, because Ani Pema is also a vet, we (okay, I ) immediately accused her of being around dogs too much. To top it off, some of the constitutions are best detected by smelling the LOWER BACK. This was too much for us. I mean, that's just a few humiliating inches away from what happens at dog parks! Naturally, none of us was rude enough to get up and walk away, but I'm sure I wasn't the only one who was relieved to be sitting with my lower back conveniently inaccessible. I did not want to be sniffed. In public, no less.

Nevertheless, we pumped her for information--what kinds of smells, what is each constitution like? This information did not put us at ease. Here are the descriptions :

Water: Putrid. Smells like Bounce fabric sheets, the salty ocean or a dirty pond. Smell the lower back.

Wood: Rancid. Smells like mulch, fresh cut wood, pine needles or rancid oil. Smell lower back, neck or top of head.

Fire: Scorched. Smells like smoke, ashes. Smell top of head or neck.

Earth: Fragrant. Smells like flowers, perfume, ripe fruit. Smell lower back or neck.

Metal: Rotten. Smells like rubbed coins or compost. Smell lower back, neck or top of head.

So... unless you're Earth-dominant, do you have any self-esteem left?

I don't know my 5-element constitution, but in Ayurveda, I'm Earth/Water and secondarily Fire. That would make my smell fragrant, putrid and smoky. Huh.

In truth, I don't know what I smell like. My dogs seem to like my smell. They don't leap backwards when I walk in the room or anything. But Lotus likes to roll all over dead fish when I feed it to her, so maybe she's not a good judge. Patch--who is a bit more refined-- is probably just being polite. He does have good manners. But no one has ever told me I stink. No one has ever said, "Ani Sangye, you smell like putrid pond water."

Even Ani Pema didn't tell me that. When I asked what her GUESS was (ie, no sniffing involved) for my constitution, she grinned like the Cheshire Cat. Well, I may not be the sharpest tool in the box, but I know you don't grin like that if someone smells like rose petals.