Yesterday it was back to Johns Hopkins for more tests, one of which was a nasal scope. To do it, they snake a foot-long flexible scope up each nostril and down your throat. I had no idea that was on the menu—thought it was just a routine visit to the ENT to discuss some recent symptoms.
A resident came in first and hastily prepared to do the test without much of an explanation. I was a physical and emotional wreck by then, so the thought of having a foot-long flexible scope snaked up my nose and down my throat freaked me out much more than normal. He mouthed, “I understand,” as he dug around through the equipment and left to get the treating physician.
I’ve dealt with this indifference a lot. For awhile I decided to teach my doctors how to connect with patients. These attempts had a 100% failure rate, and led to many tears and therapy sessions.
I kept trying to change them instead of me.
When he arrived in the room, the treating physician was kind and asked a little about Buddhism before starting the procedure. So while he looked in my nose and throat, I took a good look at all of me—nearly collapsing from exhaustion, experiencing pain in a previously pain-free area, heart racing with anxiety, and using every coping skill I had to keep from running out of there dangling a foot-long flexible scope out of my nose.
I hate those things, amd dread that particular examination. And, as for dealing with things 'being done to me', it's as though I've grown a carapace of indifference. Except, of course, sometimes it cracks. When I had a simple cateract operation last year, I completely failed to maintain my dignity. It was as though all my usual defences failed to show up, and before I knew it I was a blubbering wreck. I remember, when asked by staff why I was so upset, all I managed to say was "I'm just so *tired* of it..."
ReplyDeleteAnd we NO DOUBT would have failed in the moment to see the humor in the dangling scope thingy descending from your nostrils.
ReplyDeleteI am so amazed by your strength even when you feel so weak. Hope you got some rest!
xoxo
Brother Chrees-to-fer